Petunia the Pirate of Port Royal Sound
"Go away, Petunia. We are having a good time and no one wants to duel, so just put away your cutlass.
Besides, you are not the meanest pirate of all any more. Pirate Pete and Pirate Bill say they are tons meaner than you, so there," said the Pirate Chief whose name was Dave
"Nobody is meaner than me. How dare they!
Just let them show themselves and I will cut off their ears and feed them to the fishes in Skull Creek. Come on out you two big, fat liars. I'll show you what a mean pirate really looks like!" screeched Petunia in a voice that broke every glass in the tavern.
Well, as you can imagine, everyone was pretty tired of Petunia bragging and being awful all the time, so Pirate Pete and Pirate Bill had made up a little plan of their own for Miss Petunia the Pirate. Dave, the Pirate Chief, and all of the other pirates were in on it too. You had better read on, because you will never guess what it was. Pirate Pete and Pirate Bill slipped from under the table where they had been hiding. They really were not all that brave, and in fact they were both sort of nice for pirates. But that was all part of the plan, you see.
"All right, Petunia, here's the thing. You keep saying you are the meanest, most evil, awful pirate of all, and they say you're not. We will have a contest to prove it. These are the rules. Every time one of you does a bad deed you will get 20 points. The contest will last all day tomorrow. But if you do even one GOOD deed during that time you are out of the contest. Okay?" said Dave.
"Count me in," snarled Petunia. "I'll show you mean as you have never seen it before. I won't even wait `til tomorrow to start. Here is my first bad deed." As she said it, she grabbed Pirate Chief Dave by his nose and gave it a big pinch. On her way out the door, she kicked Peg Leg Hank right on his wooden knee. Off she went toward Fish Haul Creek Park to think of some dirty tricks to play on Pirate Pete and Pirate Bill.